Lessons (re)Learned
It’s surprising how quickly one can fall back into the routine of comfort and high expectations that home provides. Of warm showers and constant meals and clean clothes and a comfy bed.
It’s also surprising to realize that just because you’ve “learned” something, per-say, that doesn’t mean it’s forever ingrained on your consciousness, impossible to remove or change.
I went to the laundromat this past weekend, lugging my giant bag of laundry I had been putting off washing for at least two weeks (re-wearing socks is becoming a specialty of mine). Anyway, long story short my bleach spilled, ruining a track jacket I had gotten from a volunteer organization I worked with a year ago, as well the shirt I was wearing. Incredibly frustrated, I pulled my clothes out of the dryer only to find that I had completely shrunk one of my favorite bags. I stormed home fuming, deciding to be in a bad mood the rest of the night.
But then, about an hour or so into my “bad-mood” fest, I caught myself. What the hell are you doing sarah? Wasn’t it just one month ago you could re-wear clothes five times over, didn’t care how dirty your bag got, stopped caring about the little things? Weren’t you just able to let all of that go? What happened?
In short, I felt embarrassed of myself. Does it really only take one month to forget all the growth you thought you made? To fall back into your privilege?
Perhaps, more than anything, what was brought to the forefront for me was the fact that those lessons we learn when we’re without actually need to be consciously practiced when we find ourselves “with” again. It’s not something that’s automatic. And it’s so easy to let yourself fall back into the routine, to relish in your comforts and come to expect them as standard; what takes skill, I think, is actually holding onto those priority shifts you made when you’re back in “real” life, and making a conscious effort to not let go of those things you learned, even when you don’t necessarily have to practice them. That’s true growth.
So I failed the test this time. I slipped. But next time I’m not going to forget. And next time I’ll know that I’ve truly held onto something great.
