Why I have not posted…
Hello all, it’s been a while. The reasons are numerous, not least of which is the validity of my posting about current events (i.e. my life in America) on a blog titled “Sarah in Africa”. But after much deliberation I decided that, well, I didn’t care. But more importantly, perhaps, is the fact that while I am physically no longer on the continent of Africa the lessons I learned and the ways I grew from the experience will always remain.
An anonymous question was asked of me on tumblr about a month ago that I regret I never had the time to sit down and respond to (and subsequently lost somewhere in the depths of my “draft” or “deleted” posts). The question was “how have you been challenged on this trip?”
The honest answer is that I still don’t fully know. I do know, though, that I was forced on a daily basis to face all of the things that I thought mattered, and to realize how much they really didn’t. To see all of my inadequacies and short-comings, feel embarrassed, horrible, sometimes even cry, and then, well, get over them. Or at least try to. What else was I supposed to do? It was definitely a challenge to be shown every single day where you were still weak, where you needed to improve, where you couldn’t quite make it.
Yet I can’t tell you how many journal entires I wrote while sitting in the back seat of the car about how much I loved everything single I was doing, whilst at the same time trying not to scratch the 25 different mosquito bites on my leg, or touching the three bruises I got on my feet from walking in sandals, or wearing smelly shirts and having no idea where in the hell I was. Even though I was reminded constantly of my faults, I was so appreciative of the space I was being given to actually sit with them, understand them, and then try to grow.
And I think as the trip went on I actually did notice my priorities shifting significantly. Dirt all over my bag was a big deal in the first month, but the end I didn’t really notice. Wearing shirts 5 times before washing them used to be unfathomable, but now I can’t see why NOT to do that, even at home. I’m still grateful every morning I don’t have to question whether I’ll be getting a warm shower, or even really a shower at all (a frequent source of conversation on the trip in the mornings with my cousins). I’m still surprised that I actually DO own more than 6 shirts, and 7 pairs of underwear, and honestly don’t really know what to do with so many clothes anymore, and really don’t very much care. Being on my own and unattached was scary, but now it’s actually somewhat empowering.
Perhaps the hardest challenges, though, came when I returned. Facing questions of “how much have I actually changed?” “What are my priorities?” “Did I accomplish what I wanted to accomplish?” “Was it as life-changing as everyone assumes it should be - as I assumed it would be?” “Am I really just the same person?” “How do you know when you HAVE changed?” “Was it too easy?” “Am I lying when I give my stock answer ‘oh the trip was incredible!’” “What did it really do for me?” And so on.
Those are questions and challenges I’m still facing. And perhaps the reasons why I’ve been hesitant to continue posting, or even to upload my pictures and sort through them after all this time. But I think I’ve come to the conclusion that verbally and publicly addressing those questions might get me farther then continuing to pretend everything was magical and perfect and I’ve got myself all figured out in the process.
Because really, this trip was just a small part of my life and my journey with personal growth and self discovery. And does that process ever actually end?
